NOT suitable for D or J: Can this week / month / year get any worse?!

I am going to get everything out about this week – nothing held back… basically because it is hurting me so much trying to keep everything bottled up and censoring elements to certain people. I just need to get it out and to TRY and move on… I am not trying to be bitchy, or have something over other peeps, but I will suggest that D and J should not read this, as it may cause more issues than needed. I am also cutting out a lot of it still, as this post would be FAR too long otherwise.

This week has been a fucker… I cant get anything right or able to move on. I am stuck in neutral basically… and I don’t know how to get back in to gear.

It started off good – my ex, ‘D’, called me up on Sunday night, and after an hour on the phone, he invited me over to continue the discussion. Finally, I thought, truths were told from both sides – he even told me that he still loves me and cares about me – which was very hard for me to accept. We spoke for hours about everything and anything until dawn came, at which point we went for a walk around some National Trust grounds that back on where he lives.

He took me up to his ‘quiet spot’ – where he goes to think. We sat there on a log for ages looking at the overcast sunrise. The view was amazing. It was so peaceful. We continued our walk around the grounds, and after a splat of rain where we took shelter under a huge tree and watched the rain ripple in the lake, the sun came out and it all seemed to perfect. It was all very romantic, so we kissed. We then played – almost being caught by some dog walkers.

So we started to walk back to his, and I told him all about my work and explained the things I had never mentioned before, as I thought he would be too bored about them – but D seemed really interested and asked some cool questions about it all… which he hadn’t really done before. We finally got back and went to sleep but I couldn’t sleep however, but just to be able to watch D sleep again felt amazing. It felt right again.

When he awoke, we chatted about random stuff for a bit, and then we played again. Several hours later we went to Cambridge to go clothes shopping for me. We had a lot of fun, and had time for coffee and food along the way. It was like the old days. We found out that I have lost a load of weight and am actually two / three sizes smaller than I thought I was. So we enjoyed finding out what sizes I am in jackets, jeans, trousers, jumpers etc. But amongst it all, everything made sense again. Everything was right again.

Then J phoned and caused issues. So I said to D that I would say goodbye for good and hope he had a good life. I also promised that I would always be there if he needed me. We hugged – we both didn’t want to let go, we both cried, and kissed goodbye and then I went home. That night (Monday) I couldn’t sleep. I tried to, and yet my thoughts about me, D and J kept coming back to haunt me.

On Tuesday I tried to get on with work, but nothing would happen – and if it did, it wasn’t to a quality that I was happy with. So I text D saying that this goodbye thing was unfair on both of us, and if J couldn’t handle it, then surely it is HIS issue that he needs to resolve. But I got no reply.

On Wednesday, D had mentioned that he would be finishing work at 6pm – and so I tried to contact him about possibly going out for a drink / food. I didn’t get any reply, until I received this text message:

A) It’s my day off. B) I’m in London with J. C) Please give us some space.

Which pissed me off no end. So I stupidly replied:

I give up. If you want to keep changing the rules that’s up to you. But that’s not what you told me. Why does it seem I get 2 different stories if or when he (J) is with you or not?! If that is the case why keep giving me false hope for any form of relationship with you? Why say and do the things you did if this is how YOU feel? Everytime it’s his words from your phone! It doesn’t make sense! Can I have answers before I go? I know I deserve them!

So obviously I haven’t had a reply, and the likelihood is very slim… so I am worse off than when this week started. I have lost both my best friend and my partner, because his new partner can’t cope with it. D at the moment is able to have both, which is unfair on both of us (J and I).

Wednesday and Thursday I tried to bury myself in to work. However on Thursday I had a disturbing phone call from one of my closest friends – Emma. Her Dad has been in hospital for a few weeks due to several strokes, and on Thursday morning he had two more heart-attacks. I hear her voice on the other end, I forced myself from not crying too. I just wanted to rush over there to support her and her family, but it sounded like there was enough people there that I said if things changed I would rush then. At present I have not received any news, and so I am hoping no news is good news.

By Friday evening I had D’s situation rushing around my head, Emma’s updates rushing around – expecting every phone call to be ‘the one’ that I had my car keys on me at all times, and things for MB were not happening as I wasn’t able to focus that I decided that I would visit my friend (Stuart) at a pub he works part-time at. All I wanted was to have a hug, but instead when I arrived, I also met a guy called Chris who I have been speaking to online for a while who just happens to be friends with Stu, and Chris’ house mate. With everything going on, the last thing I actually wanted or needed was to be sociable to new peeps, and yet I found myself doing that one thing. I tried to hard. I pissed off Stuart by doing my usual bitchy comments that we are both good at, and yet I found out later that he was taking them the wrong way. So these people who I have never met before, now think I am someone that I am not, and possibly embarrassed Stu because of it. Thankfully today (Saturday) Stu and I have been able to talk about it, and are now fine with it, but still…

I also stupidly today came across D’s old blog – from almost two years ago – when we first started to go out. It spoke about how he felt and all the hopes and dreams he had about ‘us’ then… and all could do was continue to read and cry. He had written some things that I didn’t know about – stuff he liked about me etc. And also the fact that he thought I was a good singer?! (Too much clubbing for some one!) I just feel so alone at the moment, and to make things So much easier for myself, I keep taking the wrong decisions. I don’t know where I stand anymore. I just cant understand anything anymore.

All this week, all I have wanted was to have a hug from someone… anyone… as long as it was deep and meaningful. I have had to deal with lies, ex’s, close-to-death, friendship fallouts, and generally the inability to work all in 6 days. I hope things change soon, as I don’t think I can take much more of all this!

Any suggestions?

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