Today was a new low day for me. Today, I went to my doctors asking for counselling, and hopefully beat the cloud hanging foolishly over me, and in turn I gained another title: “Suffering from Depression”.

Now, I know what is wrong with me, and I would rather not broadcast it to the world WHY I’m depressed. However, the fact I am finally able to speak about it instead of assuming something is wrong and trying to cover it up and/or trying make do is in itself is a powerful and liberating feeling.

I have not been able to sleep for days on end (and not in the keep turning over, seeing the clock and thinking that I haven’t slept anything kind – but in the I am sitting watching TV/watching a film to the sun rises kind) for weeks now. It has even gotten to the point where I have resorted to alcohol to numb/make me go to sleep. Which I know is wrong and foolish, however you never truly know how to manage something like this until you are in the thick of it and desperately trying to keep afloat.

It is actually rather difficult to explain how it feels to be this low. It’s harder to even sit here and type all this out. But I feel it is important to keep a diary of sorts about the next few weeks/months so I can see where I have been and how far I have travelled – and at least to have one goal for each day: write a blog post.

I suppose one way to describe my depression is that I am constantly feeling a pressure on my back, and on my chest. Every time I move, my back cracks in a very heavy, very stiff way. Every conversation I have with someone makes me concerned whether I am going to breakdown and cry during it – or whether I am going to survive it. I am even finding difficult to look people in the eye during conversations.

But today, all this changes. Today, I start the road to getting back on track.